Why Emmett Can't Dissect Dead People
by k3ll3nlutzl0v3r
Summary: Emmett starts a busniess to do autopsies. Alice has a secret, and Emmett blackmails her to let him do it. They suck the blood out of the bodies then use it too impress the family and get kicked out of town. After BD. T cause I'm paranoid. No Almettt.
1. Partner In Crime

Why Emmett Can't Dissect Dead People

Chapter 1

By: k3ll3nlutzl0v3r

_**A/N: I got the idea when I saw a NCIS commercial, the girl said "I'm the energizer bunny for forensic science." That made me get the perfect idea, and I started writing right away. So, I guess I'm gonna dedicate the chapter to NCIS, so Sarah you better be happy! **_

_**Okay basically the story is about Emmett telling Alice he's going to do autopsies. Alice tells him he doesn't have permission to and you don't say no to Alice. But he does it anyway. Lots of things happen, and you find out Alice's secret. So it's a story of all of that mess. Its set after Breaking Dawn, and the house is empty except Alice and Emmett in the beginning. Everyone else is out.**_

_**Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer. If was I would be writing Midnight Sun (I better be) and not a silly story. Plus the writing skills would be a whole lot better. Do you get it? **_

EmPOV

The football game cuts to a commercial and I realize I'm extremely bored. The TV shows a person cutting open another person, and I smile to myself thinking about how much Jasper would enjoy that.

Then I got an idea.

I could do dissect people and get money for it! Wow, that would be awesome! Wahoo! I could dissect dead people then nobody would miss them! Oh yeah I am good! I get up, and turn off the T.V. at the same time. See aren't I multitasked! Then I go to get one of Carlisle's lab coats, so I could look professional. Then the worst thing ever happens.

I run into Alice.

You'd think that I'm a vampire and stuff I could tell if I'm gonna run into anyone, but no. See Carlisle says I'm special and that I can't do stuff like that because I get distracted and stuff. But that's okay. I don't mind cause I get super strength, so if Eddie-Boy teases me about it I can grind him to a pulp. "Emmett," She says in a very kind voice. That's when you know it's bad. "May I ask where you are going?"

"Well of coarse you can." Then she just looks at me like she is waiting for something. I don't have anything to give her. Oh no she better not tie me to a tree until I give her my credit card again. That was torture. I love my credit cards; they buy me my nice Italian leather shoes. I love my nice Italian leather shoes. Yet she keeps looking at me very kind.

Then she got mad. "Well are you going to tell me or not?!?" I was kind of scared cause she used her 'Emmett I'm not putting up with you voice.'

"I didn't know you wanted me to tell you." I said in a small voice.

"That was kind of the point of me asking. But never mind that. So where are you going?" She asked in a happy voice. That's good it just means she's curious. But then again the last time she was curious, bad things happened.

"You know what, Alice? I want to be one of those people who give dead people autopsies. I want to dissect dead people. That's where I'm going."

"Emmett, you know that means you have to look at blood, and small blood, and NOT drink blood. You would have to be able to resist blood just as well as Carlisle. That takes many years of practice. You can't just decide to do that kind of job. None of us were able to conquer our thirst. What makes you think you can do it out of no where?" I think about this. I mean I do it out of nowhere all the time!

"Well, Alice, I do it out of nowhere all the time. I mean remember the time when we were at that crappy gas station, and the time in Italy. I mean Rose is willing all the time. Seriously, remember when-"

"Emmett I meant about conquering your thirst not literately DOING IT! Why do you take everything so literal?"

"Well I-"

"Do not answer that! Emmett how are you to not kill the people?"

"Well I'm super Emmett! Do you have no faith in me? But never the less I CAN'T kill then. They are already dead. See aren't I smart? I thought of everything."

"Yes Emmett you are so smart. But did you ever think about the fact that you could suck them dry?"

"Yeah but see it wouldn't matter because the person is already dead. So really it would just be a free buffet. I'm thinking me and Jasper would start the business together. Esme would be so proud. And she's not really a fan of cooking. She would never have to cook a meal again! We could always serve dinner!"

"Emmett we don't have a scheduled dinner. Esme loves to cook. And did it ever occur to you that the DEAD MIGHT HAVE FAMILY!"

"Well the family wouldn't miss it I mean the person is dead for Carlisle's sake!" I laugh feeling very light hearted for the moment, just for the moment though.

"Emmett do you know why people pay money for the dead to get dissected?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, because they are funding the cause for hungry vampires." I said this in a very angelic voice, and fluttered my eyelashes for emphasis. Then I thought I heard Alice growl, but I'm not sure because you know, I'm special.

"People pay to get the dead dissected to find out why they died. Usually people don't let homemade businesses do that. They have the closest government CSI do it. So you would have to work for the government. Don't you think that if bodies in the autopsy area start to disappear people wouldn't start to get suspicious? Especially if it starts to happen right after you start working there? I mean it's a government building full of people who solve crimes. Somebody is going to find out, and then we are going to have to move again. And I really like Hershey, I really like it."

"That's just because you have a secret craving for chocolate even though vampires don't eat" I smile to myself while Alice's mouth drops open.

"That's not true." I think back to the time when Alice told me that when people deny it in a mad way they are lying. Looks like her own words are haunting her but it doesn't matter because I have proof.

"Alice, Alice, Alice, my pixyish little sister," I patted her head that was way below mine. "Dear Alice I have proof of your little unvampane habit. I was going through your trashcan-"

"Wait you were going through my trashcan, why Emmett why?"

"I go through everyone's trashcans while I take out the trash to make sure that none of you are on drugs."

"Emmett we are vampires we can't go on drugs. We can't eat anything, but never mind that what were you saying?"

"You say we can't eat anything and yet I found in your trashcan throw up. I though Jasper had finally found a drug dealer so I tested the stuff and found it was your DNA. Then I examined closer and found that the puke was… Hershey's Chocolate! I started to remember that it wasn't the first time that the stuff was in your trashcan. Then I remembered all those times you said you were to going to shop on Herhsey Lane, and realized you weren't shopping for clothes. You were shopping for chocolate!"

Alice looked up at me with her mouth agape. And was trying to saying something but she just couldn't get it out. Finally she said, "Emmett you figured all this out on your own?" I thought about for a moment trying to remember if anyone ever helped me. Then I came to a conclusion.

"Nope I did it all by myself, and I'll keep it a secret if you let me dissect dead people." I smiled knowing that I had won the round.

"Okay Emmett if you keep this a secret I'll let you go and dissect dead people. I just want you to know that I don't approve." She said in a very quiet voice. Then she turned her heal, and dragged herself to her room. Probably to drown in her sorrows while she eats chocolate. I smile and skip outside the door, hop in my precious Jeep, and go into town looking for a nice place to buy for my company.

I turn on the radio, and flip through the stations, to find that nothing is on. So I put on my favorite CD. Once I hear "Dancing Queen" coming through the speakers I know that everything is alright. Eventually I found the perfect place. It was a one story building but it was roomy, perfect for storing dead people. Inside it was dusty and had lots of cobwebs. Then I realized I needed someone. So I called up Alice.

"Hey Alice I need a favor."

"Emmett I really don't feel like doing a favor for you right now."

"But Alice I have a special job for you. I need you to redecorate my office. You will need to go shopping for supplies, and then make yourself feel big by putting everything in the office and on the walls." I knew she wouldn't say no she loves redecorating especially if she gets to shop for the supplies first.

"You got it Emmett. I'll start right now. Bye!"

"No, wait what time do you want to come see the place?"

"I don't have to see the place I have made up my mind about eventually coming over there so I know what it looks like. Remember physic?"

"Oh right well I guess I'll see you soon. Bye"

"Bye!" Now she's feeling better. Okay I need to start advertising now.

-Put sign on two blips- check

-Put sign on three billboards- check

-Put sign on nine benches- check

-Put sign on five buses- check

-Put sign on one building- check

-Put sign on one million door handles- check

-Put sign in five hundred stores- check

-Give sign to eighty people- check

-Give sign to four big wig millionaires- check

You know it really isn't hard to do all those things in one minute. When you're a vampire. I waltz back into my shop feeling very well accomplished.

Then I looked around.

In the waiting room the walls were covered from top to bottom in ink black paint with horizontal stripes of black velvet. The chairs pushed together up against the walls were cherry wood and upholstered with red fabric and horizontal stripes of black velvet. The receptionist's desk was black stained wood with giant gains going vertical. The room was perfect for what type of business I was starting. And this was just the reception area. I walked toward the desk sensing someone was here, and peeked over the counter. There sitting in the receptionist chair gnawing on a piece of chocolate was the pixie herself, Alice.

She looked at me and smiled. "So when do I start boss?" I looked down at her and smiled myself because before my mouth was just open.

"I thought you were against me dissecting dead people?" I asked looking strait into her eyes, trying to guilt her.

"Well I was and still am against it, but I need a summer job and you know how much I love a good car chase." She smiles even bigger, but now she actually seemed happy. But I was confused.

"What do you mean by car chase?" If it was even possible her smile got even bigger and by how big the other one was you'd think it was, but you'd be wrong.

"It seems that there is no stopping you now from getting us kicked out of Hershey, so I want to live it the fullest. I saw that you were going to get chase by the cops, so I thought that if I was your secretary I would get to be a part of it. Plus I love being an accomplice especially if I get to answer the phone and use a fake voice to get people's dead family members to never come back. They never will figure out how they died. So, so, sorry. Oh well at least we get a feast whenever we want." She smiled a very mysterious smile, and I knew I had partner in crime.

_**A/N: I know you will want more. So please review, and I will update. I want three reviews then I will update because I already have the next chapter written. I hope you thought it was funny. THANKS FOR READING!-k3ll3nlutzl0v3r-**_


	2. First Customer

Why Emmett Can't Dissect Dead People

Chapter 2

By: k3ll3nlutzl0v3r_**A/N: Okay I'd like to dedicate this chapter to kasperwanna, SarahB0B, BrokenDamsel, and xRainyx for either alerting or favoriting, and a special thanks to BrokenDamsel, SarahB0B, and xRainyx for reviewing. Okay I just want to say that I love ya'll so much that I'm writing this story while I'm California, so yeah. Okay I'm going to stop talking and let you read the story. **_

_**Disclaimer:**_

**Emmett: Is there a reason I'm doing this for you?**

_**Mwa: Yes**_

**Emmett: And what would that be?**

_**Mwa: Because I'm writing a story about you dissecting people.**_

**Emmett: That is a very good reason. (sigh) Okay k3ll3nlutzl0v3r doesn't own anything other wise she wouldn't have to ask me to do this she would just force me to.**

_**Mwa: Alrighty then on to the story!**_

EmPoV

As I lounge on the couch in the reception area, Alice is behind the desk with her feet propped up painting her nails at top speed. While we wait for our first costumer this is all we really do, sit here and do nothing productive. Alice sighs, and then her face glazes over.

Then she returns "Emmett we are going to-"the phone ringing interrupts her, and she squeals in anticipation. Then she picks up the phone clears her voice, and says "You have reached Emmett's Autopsy Service. This is Beatrice how may I help you?" She says this in the most nasally voice ever that I almost laughed. But she glanced my way before I did, and I covered my mouth with hand. "Mmhh, yes that would be great. How about 1:00? Okay I'll see you then. Bye bye." She looks up at me, and smiles. "Emmett are you ready to dissect some dead people?"

"More than you know Alice, more that you know." Then her face gets real serious.

"Good because they are bringing a body in at one, and we have to look professional. Can you do that?" She looks at me like she looks at piece of chocolate before eating it. "Because if you can't we can stop all of this right now." She looked into my eyes, and had a pleading in her voice.

"Alice I'm ready for this. And there is no way I'm quitting unless you decide that you want to tell the fam a secret of yours." I look down at her and smile. "And you don't want to do that do you?" She looks back up at me, and shakes her head.

"No, that's a secret between you and me."

"Okay then. So what time is it secretary?" That puts a smile back on her face.

"It's twelve fifty-seven sir." She says in her nasally voice.

"But you said the person was coming at one. That's in three minutes! I don't have the equipment yet! What am I going to do!??!" I start pacing the room. Then I start feel something pushing on my stomach, and I look down. Alice is pushing on me, trying to get me to stop pacing. I stop, and she looks up.

"Emmett you have got to calm down. I got everything you need for show, and for the real thing. It's okay just breathe." She took a deep breath as to show me. I breathed in too as she instructed.

"But I don't need to breathe. It's not required of me."

"I'm requiring it. Okay?"

"Okay." She walks away and sits behind her desk.

"Okay. Now you go in the back, and stay there until I call." I go back into the back, and look around. There were wires and tools everywhere. I saw sucky thingy, and figured it was for the sucking of the blood. I was kind of looking forward to doing that myself. Oh well I don't mind.

Suddenly the door jingles, and I know my first customer is here.

_**A/N: Okay that's the end of chapter two, and I know it was extremely short. But that is because whatever is going to happen next will be**__**very long, so I decided to split them. Okay last time I asked for three reviews, so this time I want six. I think that's fair. Okay whenever I get the six I will update because I have the next chapter written already. THNAKS FOR READING!-k3ll3nluztl0ov3r-**_


	3. A Couple of Bears

Why Emmett Can't Dissect Dead People

Chapter 3

By: k3ll3nlutzl0v3r

_**A/N: I'm back! Which if you're reading this that should be a good thing. And if it's a bad thing well too bad for you. Okay I'm dedicating the chapter to kasperwanna, Lexxy13, SarahB0B, BrokenDamsel, Lil' Confederate Soldier Girl, and xRainyx for alerting or favoriting the story (this carries over from last time) and a special thanks to Lexxy13 and SarahB0B for reviewing (this doesn't carry over). And last I gotta thank Jinx0993, Lexxy13 (you rock sox!), and PrincessGBRS for alerting or favoriting... me! I am so happy! I know I said I wanted six more reveiws but I decided to have six reveiws in all. You may notice I only have five, but my dad reveiwed so for your sake I'll let that count. I'm still in California, so don't you see how devoted I am to you. Okay here is chapter three!**_

_**Disclaimer: **_

_Alice: Is the car chase in this chapter?_

_**Mwa: I'm not sure…**_

_Alice: Well then I'm not doing the disclaimer. (crosses arms)_

_**Mwa: Well then I won't put the car chase in there at all. (grins)**_

_Alice: Oh fine, k3ll3nlutzl0v3r doesn't own anything, if she did well… oh you get the picture!_

_**Mwa: And the picture is very lovely. On with the story!**_

EmPOV

I heard small talk from the other side of the door, but I wasn't quite sure what they were saying cause you remember, special. Finally I hear Alice yell "Emmett, get the body!" So I push threw the door, and smile at the woman just like Carlisle does. The woman gasps just like the people Carlisle smiles to. I'm growing up just like my daddy!

"Hi I'm Emmett. Let me reassure you that she won't die in my hands." They both looked at me with their mouths wide. Then I got what I said. Oops too much like daddy. "I mean I will figure out why she died soon enough. Don't worry madam." I said in my very fluent French accent. Then she smiled, but Alice started scowling.

"Thank you Emmett. I'm sure you will do way better than the government." The woman said, gushing. And I think that if vampires could sweat I would be sweating hogs. If that was even possible at all. "Last year my aunt died, and I brought her to the agency, after two months they called me and told me that they couldn't figure it out. So I went to the place to pick up the body, but when I got there they said they lost the body. I was furious. I'm sure that would never happen with you." She gazes up at me, and smiles. Then she put her hands together and started to swing her body like a five year old would do.

Alice laughed very nervously. "We promise that we will always know where the body is." Then very quietly she whispered "In our stomachs." I'm surprised I even heard that. Maybe I just have selective hearing. Yeah, that sounds good!

"Yes the blood is in good hands. I mean the body is in good hands" I flash her a smile, and she became okay again.

"Okay I will see you next Monday. Is that enough time?" She asked. Alice started to shove her out the door.

"Yes a week is plenty of time. Don't worry Ms. Cindy." Alice says while pushing her out the door, but I had a question.

"How is this person related to you?" I just had to know.

"Oh silly me! It's my mom. Lots of people get killed in my family. It's like someone is out to get me." She laughs. Alice has one of her feet out the door.

"Okay Ms. Cindy, bye bye." I think she yelled bye but she was to far out the door for me to hear. Alice slides against the door until she is sitting on the floor. _**(A/N: It rhymes!) **_She sighs and looks up at me.

"So where is the body?" I looked around the room, and didn't see a thing.

"It's behind the desk."

"Why is it back there?" That's a little strange for Alice. Everything is out in the open with her. Except for her little chocolate splurge secret.

"Because it's covered in blood. Even though it's in a bag it's still really strong. Don't you smell it?" I sniffed the air like a dog would do.

Then I smelled it. It was like French toast with cinnamon on it, strawberries with sugar on it, spaghetti with garlic in it. Wait those are all food references. I'm turning into Alice! I charge the bag, but I feel little arms around me. Even though they were tiny they were strong. "Emmett you cant suck it dry now don't you want to impress Esme with your cooking skills?" This made me stop. I relaxed and so did Alice. "Okay now I'll bring the body in the lab, but you have to be the one to dissect it."

"Okay, but I think I'll do it tomorrow."

"Why?"

"Because its lunch time."

"Emmett we don't eat lunch."

"Oh right. Um, well I haven't fed in a while. So you want to go hunting with me?"

"Okay. Why not?"

"I don't know why not?"

"Emmett again with the taking things to literally."

"Sorry I just, you know, can't help it."

"Right okay. Sounds good to me. Lets go!" I knew that I really wanted a couple of bears before I got some people.

_**A/N: Sorry I said this chapter would be long. I guess eternally I decided to split it into three and not two, my dearest apologies. Yet this chapter was longer than the other one. Okay usually I add three more reviews each chapter, and I kinda sorta lied to you, so I will only add two. So when I get eight reviews in all I will update. I have the next chapter already written, so review soon! I hope you liked it. Sarah you now have my perrmission to read chapter four! THANKS FOR READING!-k3ll3nlutzl0v3r-**_


	4. I shouldn't ask

Why Emmett Can't Dissect Dead People

Chapter 4

By: k3ll3nlutzl0v3r

_Alice: Yay!_

**Emmett: Woo Hoo!**

_**Okay I wanna dedicate the chapter to SarahB0B (my amazing beta), ., xRainyx, lexxy13, and BrokenDamsel for alerting or favoriting, and a special thanks to for reviewing! You guys are so much more awesome than Robert Pattinson, who has no idea, and he never will! Haha his last name isn't in my dictionary!**_

_**Edward: I happen to resent that!**_

_**You resent everything, and I was not talking about you. But now that you mention it, since you are so cheery today, you can have the honors of disclaiming!**_

_**Edward: I really don't feel like it. And Alice and Emmett are the ones who are cheering!**_

_**Would you feel like it more if I told Bella what you did while you were gone, and her heart was breaking in two?**_

_**Edward: No I really don't think that is necessary. K3ll3nlutzl0v3r doesn't own anything. Though you would think she does because she knows what I did…**_

_**Much better. Okay on with the story!**___

EmPOV

After our awesome hunting experience I was ready to dissect some dead people. I walk through the door with Alice by my side, and look around, shocked. "Alice, do you have any idea what happened?" All around the room were dead bodies in sacks. Even though I just hunted, I had to hold my breath from the smell.

"I haven't the foggiest idea."

"Well I guess we need to put the bodies in the back? Since we have a glass front window, this probably doesn't look too good." She looks around, just as stunned as me.

"I'm going to have to agree with you." Then she grabs the nearest body, and looks up at me, smiling. "We are going to have a great dinner tonight," she says, in a very bubbly voice. I smile, looking down at her.

"Yes Alice, a magnificent dinner."

In the back, looking at the dead bodies on all the tables, I get the feeling I won't be able to eat for two weeks after dinner tonight.

I walk over to the table that has the body we got first. That poor woman, she had so much faith in me, only to realize that we are like the government, only a tad different. We drain the bodies of their blood, have Alice put make-up over the marks, never identify the cause of death, and still get the money. Some people need to trust less.

I get my little sucker thingy, and stick it in the girl's side. So much blood! It really is a good thing I don't need to breathe, otherwise this would be impossible. I hear a swoon, swoon, swoon sound coming from the machine, and I know I really don't need to just stand there, and look at all. That. Blood.

Maybe I could just go to another body, suck out some blood (without swallowing it), then spit it out in a container. I could keep doing that until there's no more blood. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

I walk over to the next body in line. "Are you ready to get sucked dry?" I ask in my best wrestler voice. Then I hear a slight giggle come from the reception area.

I push through the doors to find a tiny Alice looking like she might explode. "Alice, are you all right?" She lost it. She fell on the floor and started rolling. All the while, she was laughing her little pixie head off. I stared at her for about three minutes before, finally, she spoke.

"So Emmett, how's it going back there?" She giggled slightly.

"It's going good, I guess. I got a body going on the machine, and I was about to do one myself when you interrupted me with your giggle fest."

"Oh, sorry. I just remembered something funny."

"Oh what was --"

"From last night… with Jasper." She looked up at me, and giggled again. I may not be the brightest, but in that moment, I _knew_ I shouldn't ask.

_**A/N: I am just a terrible person. I was all ready to write a big long five page chapter. Then I got to that last sentence, and it was like all the other last sentences. There was no way around it. I tried to figure it out for ten minutes, but it just wouldn't work out. I know all of you are saying "So just continue anyways..." I can't do that. I am very OCD about my stories, and I can't have a sentence like the end sentences in the middle. It would throw me off the boat for a whole week. **_

_**Edward: What's so wrong with that? I wouldn't mind seeing you sink to the bottom of the sea floor.**_

_**Well thanks for being so very kind but you are acting like Emmett, and taking things too literal. Anyways I am so very, very sorry about me being OCD, and unless this happens again, the next chapter will be long. Uh, I want 3 more reviews, and then I will put up the next chapter. I know I am greedy. THANKS FOR READING! -k3ll3nlutzl0v3r-**_

_**Edward: I wasn't even in the chapter! (Breaks out crying and sobbing uncontrollably) And I can't believe I was compared to Emmett! **_

**Emmett: I'm gonna ignore that.**

_Alice: As you should._

**Emmett: Wanna thumb wrestle?**


End file.
